Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
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Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.