BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
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“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.