I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
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[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
found my next D&D character name
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.