I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
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detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
road rage
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna