I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
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Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
*lint rolls you awake*
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*