went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
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A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”