Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
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Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Favourite diary entry ever
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I can’t stop watching this.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney