Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
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My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.