Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
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*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
As the Lord intended
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
shit just got real