If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
You Might Also Like
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Risking my life for fun.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?