me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
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When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.