My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
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I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Mmmm canned fish.