Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
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sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke