What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
You Might Also Like
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.