[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
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“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks