Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
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I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I’M CRYINGGG
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.