family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
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Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.