Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
You Might Also Like
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves