My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
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Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I get distracted pretty eas
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.