Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
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[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
My five year plan is a meteorite
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
dream blunt rotation
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?