If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
You Might Also Like
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
6. me as a lawyer
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not