My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
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I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.