When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
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Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
greetings!
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.