72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
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*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.