waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
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Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Lucky old June.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.