In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
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I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!