diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
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Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”