Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
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When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Oh boy, $150,000!
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no