gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
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I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
B
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.