If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
You Might Also Like
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no