*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
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Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.