jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
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I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
It was worth a shot 😂
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.