My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
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♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
😂😂😂
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh