i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
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When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant