Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
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My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I have a type: disappointing
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.