Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
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I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
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“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
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If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral