GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
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Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
#winning
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
LOL!
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.