If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
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STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Its true…
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband