Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
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Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Dammit Chief not again
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad