I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
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I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.