It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
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Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Aight bet
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Traveler’s camo
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.