It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
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Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.