Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
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My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili