If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
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run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
cry laughing at this shit
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Dead sexy!!