my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
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*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
August 8
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?