11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
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Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book