I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
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This device could predict incoming phone calls.
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I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
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Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.