I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
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(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.