@MoistPork

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

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@NikiWithIssues

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

@WilliamRodgers

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

@LoveYoorFate

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

@KizerBillhelm

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

@MadHatterMommy

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

@MrPudmansButler

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

@RexHuppke

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

@kamtweeting

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

@AskAuntieEm1

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.