A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
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I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
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me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
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Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?