@MoistPork
@NikiWithIssues Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
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@NikiWithIssues 
@WilliamRodgers Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
@LoveYoorFate “I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
@KizerBillhelm HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
@MadHatterMommy Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
@MrPudmansButler If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
@RexHuppke Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
@TheBoydP Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
@kamtweeting Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
@AskAuntieEm1 I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.