A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Anime is real
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
the red hot silly peppers
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
<- sleeps well with others
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.