A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

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Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.


Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water


“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…



HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁


Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart


If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.


Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword


Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.


Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.


I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.