A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
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[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”