I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
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little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
when you order from DoorDastardly
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle