I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
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if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head