Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
All. The. Damn. Time.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
mom had nothing to worry about
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.