Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?![]()
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When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:![]()
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.